Phat Tuesday: When you can’t see forward, reflect back


I hate rehashing things — but, sometimes — you just kinda have to. But, even more than that I hate writing about how frustrated or anxious I feel, because of the vulnerability I feel. But, to stay true to my journey and the reasons — why — I share my journey, I feel the need to do so here.

The past couple of weeks — especially — this weekend were tough for me. Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally and whatever other descriptive — ly — you can think of.

It’s been hard getting into a groove with my fitness and goals the past month or so. I got into a groove and then it was quickly pulled right out from underneath me when I got sick. It put me back quite a bit. I couldn’t run — or workout — for the past two weeks.

That alone left me really down.

Really down.

As someone who works out and runs to keep my anxiety at bay, sitting around dying didn’t that help that. And, naturally, when I am sick I also gain weight — and that happened too.

I hate jumping on the scale, but I feel — especially — after prolonged illnesses, etc., I feel the need to jump on them. And, I did such this morning … against my best judgement.

Let’s just say — despite running on Saturday and working out on Monday — you wouldn’t have been able to tell. Sure it’s just the weekend and I understand that the difference of the scale from a Friday to a Monday is always higher — but, still — mentally, it killed me.

But, at the same time it also rekindled that fire I was starting to light before I got sick. After getting some reassured inspiration from a good friend — I knew that my focus had to divert from the scale to a greater focus and purpose.

The focus is on my ultra marathon — my 50 miler — in October. Sure, it’s eight months away, but I am preparing — as the athlete that I am. I am taking those steps — missteps — and each foot forward in stride.

I have gotten so frustrated over the past couple of years with my thyroid and testosterone that I tend to forget that I am who I think I am. And, I haven’t been thinking of myself as much of a runner lately. Quite the opposite. While I still need to focus on my health — I don’t need to let it define me.

I am a runner.

I am an athlete.

And, I have been for years.

I am capable of being able to do awesome things. Over the past five years I’ve ran over 130 races — 5Ks, 10Ks, 25Ks, 30Ks, half marathons, marathons and an ultra marathon.

Who does those?


I am an athlete.

I lost over 180lbs. through hard work, tough workouts and running countless number of miles. Heck, I once pulled a frickin’ suburban about a quarter of mile.

Who does that?

An athlete.

I am an athlete.

I am an athlete.

I am an athlete.

And, because I am athlete — I am training and treating myself like one. The scale doesn’t dictate what kind of athlete I am. It aids me in getting here. That’s why I am limiting myself to the scale twice a week. Tuesdays and Fridays. That’s it.

No more — no less.

So what defines me as an athlete?

Besides my actions — my goals.

As my friend pointed out, goals that scare the sh*t out of you help move you forward. And, this is one reason why I am running the Pony Express 50 in October.

It scares me to death.

But, I know that the next eight months — I am going to HAVE to put a lot of work in to get ready. I am going to have find solutions to my thyroid and testosterone, but really — I know I can do my 50 regardless of what solutions are found. Even just regulating and getting my weight at a point that’s manageable is fine with me.

I am going to have to hit the pavement and trails more. Not the treadmill — but run outside — with no worry about my pace. Just run.

Now that the weather is starting to turn towards spring I feel more confident running outside in the morning or at night. Something — I am actually wanting to do tonight, tomorrow and the rest of the week. Especially with the inversion gone and the current temperatures.

My goals aren’t changing — I am not restarting. I am just rededicating myself to those goals I made about a month ago. I am also vowing to be kinder to myself and taking one step at a time. I am putting down the gloves so I can stop beating myself up.

Actually, I don’t want to put the gloves down — I actually want to beat the crap out of a punching bag.

But, really … I’ve got to stop beating myself up and letting the anxiety of what I am not define who I am.

Because if that’s my mentality, I am not even giving myself a fighting chance to get where I am wanting to go.

And, so the fight continues …


One Comment

  1. You ARE an athlete! This post could have easily be written by me. I’ve ran 55 marathons, many 50 K’s, a couple of 50 milers and a 100 K. And here I sit, very unmotivated to run more than half marathons. I need a boost, very badly as I LOVE the longer distances. It takes so much dedication. I love your blog πŸ™‚


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